I get couples calling and coming in for counseling all the time because they want to “spice things up”. Usually this means they are looking for some new, wild, pretzel position, or space age sex toy that will bring them to sexual heights previously unknown to them. Something, anything that will bring their desire back. Trouble is, so many of these same people take little or no time to like one another. To have fun and pleasure together outside of the bedroom way before sex ever starts. What a concept, right? That no matter what technique, position, lube or sex aide I might suggest, if you don’t work on your heart, love connection, the joy and pleasure you feel for one another and your relationship, showing appreciation for one another, and re-focusing your emotional and spiritual union, you won’t get very far. Try some of the following suggestions and you will likely “spice things up” and enjoy new levels of ecstasy.

*before you both rush off in the morning hold one another in a deep, loving embrace

*when you come home at the end of the day meet one another with a melting embrace and a sloppy kiss, before you go to your separate transition rituals

*breathe together, frequently; this will recharge your energy and get you flowing together in greater harmony; you can do this sitting facing one another, back to back, or lying on your sides(spooning); start with breathing in sync, i.e.: you both inhale and exhale at the same time; then switch so you breathe in while your partner breathes out-this is great for creating a beautiful circle of energy between the two of you; doing this often will help you to remember to breathe deeply during sex, which improves not only function but pleasure

*tell your partner, often, things you love, adore and appreciate about them

*look deeply into your lover’s eyes; yes, eyes are the windows to your soul and heart; try to hold one another’s gaze for a few minutes, not looking for anything in particular, just seeing them in all their brilliance; let your partner see you; this can feel vulnerable but will connect you in an amazing way

* send little, loving or suggestive texts or phone messages throughout the day

*sprinkle foreplay in throughout your entire day; the worst place for foreplay to start is in the bedroom; you will get your juices flowing in a big way if you caress your partner in a suggestive way as you leave the house; tell them how sexy they are; how much you are looking forward to being naked with them later; give them a wet, juicy kiss before he goes to watch football with the guys; leave her a flower and a love note in her car

*do one fun thing each week that has nothing to do with sex

*try something new together-take a cooking class, try fly fishing, go to a new museum, write and recite poetry to one another, learn to juggle or skydive; something silly is always good as it brings out the kid in us and gets us laughing, which we sometimes forget to do in our wired, technological, serious daily grind; novelty fires our brains and gets us more excited about life in general

These suggestions may not seem very “sexy”, but I guarantee they will deepen your connection and love for one another, and increase your pleasure in the bedroom (and all the other places you will find yourselves having sex;-))