Maybe it’s about Time

Posted on November 21, 2016

I see so many different types of clients in my counseling practice. They come for a myriad of reasons. Their issues and challenges stem from many different sources.

For some people it’s a matter of physiological and biological misinformation. A matter of function and mechanics, if you will. This is pretty easy to remedy. I just replace the misinformation with new and accurate information and a clear understanding of how things actually work and respond. I sometimes offer different techniques that haven’t been thought of or previously tried.

Sometimes we deal with family dynamics. How were they treated by their parents? What type of relationship did they see their parents modeling? How did their parents treat and relate to one another? Did they see physical affection displayed between their parents, and did they  themselves receive physical demonstrations of affection?

Religious, cultural and social messages are also explored. Self limiting beliefs are challenged. Old, ingrained story lines are challenged and reframed. Shame and guilt are dealt with. Permission is given to become their own, unique sexual self, without succumbing to all the “shoulds” of family, church, culture and social media.

But the one thread that I see over and over again in so many of the couples who come to me, especially couples who have been together for some years, is simply the lack of time they make for their partner, and no longer prioritizing their partner and relationship. I hear over and over again, “Oh,  I’m so busy”, or “Well, I have to get that project done for work”, or “I’m so tired”. They wonder where the spark has gone, but they are not breathing fresh life into the relationship to keep the flame even simmering, let alone burning.

Often I think, maybe it’s just about time.

Time to really listen to your partner. Not while you’re checking your email or watching T.V. or checking Facebook. But really, fully paying attention to what they’re telling you. Really trying to hear and feel their meaning. Taking time to clarify if you’re not sure, instead of just assuming. Taking time to consider that just maybe you don’t know everything about this person. Even if you’ve been together 20 years. We are all changing all the time. Our  life changes, our purpose changes, our external situations change and our inner landscape changes. When we get lazy about knowing our partner, things can become very stale. Sexually and in many other ways as well.

When was the last time you asked your partner “Who are you today?’, “What do you want me to know about you at this juncture that perhaps I don’t know?” “What do you need from me this week to make you happy?”

Maybe it’s about time to have some fun together again. Go out and be silly. Do things that feel good and pleasurable and make you laugh together. What did you do that was so fun and made you both grin ear to ear when you were first together?

Maybe it’s about time to look deeply into one anothers’ eyes again. To hold hands again and trace your fingers over obvious places that you’ve stopped touching. To give that compliment and share that appreciation for something you’ve taken for granted. To rub his shoulders at the end of a harrowing work day. To rub her feet after she’s been running around taking care of everything and everyone. To sit and dream and scheme together.

Everybody’s lives are so busy these days. It’s true. And we all have choice as well. If we don’t prioritize our partner and our relationship they will wither and die. And very few people on their death beds are happy that they put in 5 more hours at the office instead of 5 more quality minutes with their beloved. Your relationship, and thus your sex life, can remain awesome if you recommit to making the time and making it a priority.